// Tattoo Thursday//

Yeah.  I said it.  Tomorrow is tattoo Thursday.  I’m getting it done.  Finally, ink to make me feel alive.  I love pain.

// Tumblr is no longer interesting//

I used to keep a pretty good diary on here. I reported interesting things and learned about third world problems. I remember when things on here used to mean something. They were useful. Now it’s filled with nonsense blogs (most of which I used to think we’re funny and followed). I recently cleaned up my follow list (kinda like cleaning up my friends list on Facebook). I unfollowed everyone who was spamming my timeline with foolishness. I get on here looking for inspiration. Instead, I’m finding more and more degrading things on here. People are idolsing celebrities and tv shows as if they were gods. What ever happened to appealing to our mom and dads? What happened to little kids being our heroes? What ever happened to the days when we respected firemen and police officers and military special agents with honor, dignity, and respect? Gone are the days of looking up to the doctors and medicine men who are lifesavers. It’s pathetic, the world we live in. I’m sorry if I offended you with unfollowing you. Feel free to unfollow me as well. I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to stand out. To stand apart. To make a difference.

What are you here for?

// Stop Pretending//

I realised that talking to Ben was preventing my heart from mending because I was still bitter. I need time to heal AWAY from him. And I will with time.

Matt has been sweet and patiently waiting and will continue to wait. This is the test of a man’s true character. He loves me, but I don’t for him quite frankly. I won’t say it unless I mean it. To be honest, I’m tinkerbell. One man gets my heart at a time. I can’t give Matt a broken heart, so first I will heal. Then I’ll let go.

// One win//

A most beautiful Katie Schurrer stayed on the phone with me Friday night, mid-panic. I cannot say how grateful I was in that moment that Tim handed the phone to her in hopes of trying to help. My legs were disgusting, by my own undoing. Scissors had dug deep where flesh once was, and now, ugly scars remain.

Let’s turn the page to Sunday. I am at the zoo, spending time with coworkers. You’d think I’d be happy. Reptiles, mammals, marsupials… Face painting, popcorn, ice cream, bubbles… but no; I am sadder and feeling more left out than I ever have. I was freaked out at having left Mischief alone with a friend (like a scared mother). It was rather depressing. I let my mania spike and then my depression crash. I was so over being around people or feeling ok, that I just felt upset for the longest. Now, onward to Monday.

I gave up my pup that morning, about ten minutes before I had to be at work. That was seriously the worst and hardest thing I’ve ever done. I go into work, sadder than sad, and get told to go home early. But where is home? I had no home. I was going “home” to a car since I got kicked out of my apartment. I was going home without Mischief, my baby girl. I was going home to no food, no friends, and no source of comfort. I was seriously sick. Bipolar had gotten the best of me. I let it win.

Before I left work, a Mr. Tim Schurrer gave me some good advice, which was just an interpretation of what my mother had already told me. I finally understood it, though. “You just need one win. Start lining them up into small tasks throughout the week so you don’t get overwhelmed throughout the day. You don’t have to do everything today. If you can find a place to stay tonight, that’s your win for the day.” My mum always taught me small bites, but Tim made a very logical and practical application of that phrase. I didn’t know how to put it into action.

After that conversation, I started coping with the big task at hand. It grew smaller and smaller. Each day this week, I’ve set up a small win. I ended up feeling so much better when I could do more than one or two things in a day. Today was the last day of those small wins, but it’s a skill I now understand how to use.

John and Jessica have been so gracious as to let me stay at their house while I’m recovering and recuperating, trying to sort out my living situation. I made it to the end. Tomorrow, I sign my name and get the keys to my new one bedroom apartment. Saturday, I get to go see a friend I haven’t seen in about a year; someone who always shed light on my walk with Christ (especially when I was dating a fellow coworker). Sunday is baptism and STRETCH. And now, I finally feel like I can help the people I’ve always wanted to because I have my own spot. It’s incredible.

// Blackbird singing in the dead of night//

I’ve never felt my heart soar with such relief before. I’m finally being released from my old lease by a person who was holding me hostage. Man, this girl was unkind towards me, but I just stayed quiet and didn’t react how she wanted to. She feels so guilty right now and is even offering to help me get settled into my new place. I’m grateful that God is changing her heart. I’ve had to just ask God to change mine as well.

I’ve been really bitter about the whole situation. When your heart is being ripped at the seams by a stranger, you’ll do whatever you can to tackle back. I didn’t. I couldn’t. My mother was who God chose to spoke through in the middle of this. It was extremely difficult. I couldn’t stop hoping for someone to just do something terrible to her. And that’s only human. It just wasn’t very Christ like.

My friends here have been really gracious as to help me figure stuff out and get settled appropriately. I’m really and truly thankful for them. I always love when I make friends with married men because their wives end up becoming long time friends more than the men do. Their wives become the female friends I never knew I had. Growing up, there were two girls I can say stuck by me no matter what. Those were Jessica and Alisha. Both girls I still talk to this very day. They’ve been the most incredible role models in my life. Very strong independent women who can face any obstacle head on and accomplish the world.

My days here are turning into long and hard life lessons. I didn’t realise I needed to learn them all. It’s good to know that there are caring people in this world still.

// Peaceful Rest//

So, last night was the first night in a long time I slept peacefully. It was beautiful. I had never felt so at ease here in Tennessee since the last time I saw my old roommate Jocelyn. Things are going well. Going really well now. I’m finally at peace with everything. I have done the opposite of the expectations of my current roommates. I’ve been unresponsive to their tactics and just removed myself from the situation. I’m not entirely happy about it, but I did it. I’m feeling really good that I did. I’m working on taking care of me now.

For those of you sweet sweet friends who actually read this blog, I’ll be posting daily over the course of the next month in some form or another. It’ll be a therapy for me. And I’ll be posting weekly in my other tumblog (http://relentlessloveblog.org). I’m currently on medical leave. Just be aware that I’m taking care of me first.

Yesterday was tough. I was really trusting God would pull through. I had surrendered my sweet pup to the local Humane Association and it made me sob incredibly. I have never done anything so difficult in my life. It made me realise the impact that dog has had on my life. I loved her so much. She was my best friend for reals and kept me company often. If I was sad, she curled up next to me and cried with me. If I was happy, she was energetic. And whenever I was annoyed, she could most certainly pluck a nerve with her barking. When no one else was there in the dark times, she was. My heart broke as the vet pried her from my arms yesterday. I never realised just how broken I’d be without someone close to me.

This past month has rocked me. I’ve had two person breakups (Ben); one animal break up (Mischief); one roommate breakup (Jaclyn); and one apartment breakup (Cross Creek). I’ve had broken financials. I’ve had trouble trying to get my own place. My entire month has felt like a year. It’s all over now. There is peace in the midst of the storm.

I’m on my way to doing some fun things this week because of bite sized pieces. Not giant hunks of life. If you need me, you know how to reach me. Thank you in advanced and in the past for every prayer and good wish sent my way. I’d love cards and flowers and any bit of housewarming awesomeness sent to me. Just contact me for an address or fly on over.

I love you